"Take an action each day that alleviates suffering in the world. Bring light into darkness."
-Angeles Arrien

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't.
--- Richard Bach

I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody [to no one]
--Mother Teresa

We were not separated at your birth.
It was the moment at which we began our journey toward each other
-Nancy McGuire Roche

Saturday, September 29, 2007


I got some more news the middle of the week. They just started the final police investigation into my children. That should take about a week and then there are a few last steps. I have been told two and a half weeks. Possibly a call to get my Visa before then. To quote the email "We are getting very close now." I am having a hard time getting excited because this whole process has been one disappointment after another. I don't want to get my hopes up again to only be shattered.

I did ask for and get some official documents showing that my children are still legally referred to me. After I was told some info I was getting very doubtful one of my children was still at the orphanage and still referred to us. I could no longer keep going on faith that everybody was doing what they told me. I spent 12 weeks trusting the system to work and it got me nowhere. I needed to start seeing some proof. These documents did set my mind at ease but they also upset me. They were the agreement to release child for adoption. They were dated Sep 10th. That was 3 days after I was told about this huge mess up. Almost 14 weeks after my referral they decided to agree to release my children for adoption. Remember I was supposed to travel in 8-10 weeks. This just proved to me how far behind my paperwork was. Someone really had not done what they were supposed to. Now a mother and her 2 children have to suffer because of it.

Emotionally this whole process has been hard to say the least. Those of you not adopting probably will not understand. The only thing I could probably relate it to is your pregnancy going 3 months overdue. Except worse because you have to see your child grow up in pictures without you. The minute I saw these children they were mine. I would have never thought I could have such strong feelings but I did. They are no different to me then my 3 bio children. It feels like someone has taken my children against my will and refuses to tell me when, if ever, I will be united with them. I don't know if they are being loved or held. Is someone responding when they cry? Are they getting encouragement with very milestone. Do they feel wanted and loved? Safe and secure? These are all the things that run through my mind a hundred times a night and keep me awake until 3:00 in the morning. I am so worried about them. Nothing eases that worry. Telling me 3 more weeks is like saying wait a lifetime.

When I finally have them in my arms I am never going to let them go. They are my babies and they are so wanted. I hope they will always feel that and understand that. Below is how I imagine I will be someday.

" I know a woman well in her 70’s, with five sons. Three adopted, two by birth. She shared with me that when they would sit around the dinner table there were times she would forget who was homegrown and who was adopted, and she had to search back in her memory to see if she remembered giving birth to them or not. I love that story because it exemplifies for me the way families weave themselves together into tidy little quilts, and sometimes you have to take a pretty close look at the stitching to see how they came together. "


Anonymous said...

Heather- I am thinking of you. It isn't fair. But if it was, children would be readily available to people who want them.

Dawn said...

I am glad that you are finally getting some answers. I pray that what they are telling you is correct and you will be traveling to them very soon.

Michelle and Peter said...

Heather I am so sorry you have to go through this. It does sound like things are finally getting fixed. I hope they have you traveling ASAP.


Karen said...

I know how hard the wait to travel can be and I am so sorry that you are hurting. You will be with your children soon and be kissing their precious faces. I am thinking of you and if you need to talk, I am here.