"Take an action each day that alleviates suffering in the world. Bring light into darkness."
-Angeles Arrien

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't.
--- Richard Bach

I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody [to no one]
--Mother Teresa

We were not separated at your birth.
It was the moment at which we began our journey toward each other
-Nancy McGuire Roche

Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Babies turned 5 months old yesturday. I looked up online what milestones they should be reaching. They now offically know their names (Which we are changing) and are attached to their caregiver. (Which they are leaving). They can give their first Hugs and Kisses. Mommy wanted those. It is so hard missing all these firsts. It is so hard thinking of them hugging and kissing someone they think is Mommy. When I am here wanting nothing more then those hugs and kisses.

Your 5-month-old's development:


Homing in on sounds

A growing range of emotions

Remember, your baby is an individual

Your baby now realizes where sounds come from, and he'll turn quickly toward a new one. One of the easiest ways to engage him is to jingle a set of keys. Wind chimes are great attention-getters, too.Your baby may now be able to recognize his own name and understand that you're speaking to him when you say it. You may notice that your little one turns his head when you call him or talk about him with others.If you want to engage and entertain your baby, all you need to do is talk to him. At this age, babies don't learn language from the television or radio, so turn them off and use real dialogue instead.

A growing range of emotions

Your baby can't express his emotions in the same complex way that you can. Although he can let you know in clear ways when he's angry, bored, or happy, his ability to show love and humor are just developing.Your baby also shows a strong attachment to you by raising his arms when he wants to be picked up and by crying when you leave the room. He may also give you hugs and kisses.And he's beginning to get the joke — he'll laugh at funny expressions and try to make you laugh, too. Keep the laughter flowing with your silly faces!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Delayed and I don't know WHY ???

To my babies,

Mommy is so sorry she will not be with you this time around. It devastates me to not be able to be with you. I am not sure WHY we have to wait a little longer.
“Everything happens for a reason. Always remember that whats meant to be will always find a way to come about.” I promise you we are meant to be and our time will come very soon.

It has been 12 weeks since I was blessed with becoming the Mother of beautiful Twins.
12 weeks since I was blessed with you.
12 weeks since my heart was stolen and stopped.
12 weeks since I have been able to breath.
12 weeks counting every second of everyday.
12 weeks of time seeming to stand still.
12 weeks waiting to smell you.
12 weeks waiting to count your fingers and toes.
12 weeks waiting to blow raspberries on your tummies.
12 weeks since I saw your smile for the first time.
12 weeks since my life changed forever.

I know you are waiting patiently. Please give me the patience to wait patiently along with you. Love, Mommy

"I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child,I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night."

--- Unknown


Patty - I am so glad that Cupcake does not have to live another day without her family. Go get your girl and get those sunglasses on those poor baby eyes. Be strong. I know in my heart everything is going to work out. You are meant to be together. You did not give birth to her but she was made for you. You were born to be her Mother. You were chosen for a reason. Always remember that. You are a very special person.

I know God won't give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish he didn't trust me so much---
Mother Teresa

Saturday, August 25, 2007


Stacey is my cyber friend I met while waiting to get my children. I have also been blessed to meet Kim and Patty. Our children were all born within weeks of each other in a little rural province in the mountains called Lang son. Their children are in the same orphanage as my children in Lang son. Our children have spent the last almost 5 months of their lives as close as any we call family could be. These children have endured much in their short lives. More then we will ever know. But they will all be blessed soon to have Stacey ,Patty and Kim as their mothers. I know in my heart this will make up for all they have endured. Our Children have been fortunate enough to have their paths intertwined for all eternity as I have been fortunate to have mine intertwined with these great women.

Patty, Stacey and Kim- I want to Thank all 3 of you for being there for me when no one else was. For understanding my joy and my sadness. For helping me endure this insane process we call international adoption. For reminding me of what waits at the end of this long Journey. For helping me get through every day of this LONG wait to travel. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Stacey- You go get your little one. Every day she waits for her Mommy is one day too many. I am so happy for your family.

Remember we are now intertwined. The 3 of us will be right behind you.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

To my Babies

Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously
My own.
Never forget
For a single minute:
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it.
--Fleur Conkling Heyliger

Monday, August 20, 2007

Taken from The Poem Different and the Same

What's Different:
With bio kids: You're pregnant. You look like hell. You can't remember what your feet look like. Your ankles are the size of telephone polls. Your close friends lie and tell you that you look radiant. You don't.

With adoption: You look like hell. When you were pregnant you knew where your baby was. You knew she was safe, and warm and fed. This time your child is out there somewhere. And you can't sleep as a result. Instead of sleeping, you pray that she stays safe until you get there. No one tells you, you look radiant. You don't.

What's the same: The LOVE. It is identical, even if it forms in a different way. The amount of love, the strength of it, the depth of it, all the measures of it are identical.

By Cindy (aka Jaclyn's mom)


Oh Little One

Oh little one, where ever you are,
Near to our hearts yet distant so far.

Have you already a birthday? I wonder each night,
Or have you yet to experience that journey of might.

We’ve waited so long to share our blessings with you,
Our hearts ache with joy of the thought coming true.

I want you to know how excited we are,
To meet you and love you; our precious little star.

Thrilled of the thoughts of watching you grow,
Teaching and learning from each other you know.

Please never forget this one promise to you,
We’ll always be your parents and unconditionally love you.

Debbie Hutson

Sunday, August 19, 2007


Here is a little something I found that explains how I am feeling and what I am going through right now.

Waiting for something is an inherent part of human nature. It is something that you have had to deal with ever since you first came into this world.

An infant waits to be held, fed, changed
A student waits for recess, lunch, summer vacation
An adult waits for payday, vacation, promotion

The above list is obviously just a small sampling of what we have all had to wait for during our lives. However, as adoptive parents or parents-to-be, our patience has faced a new challenge.

When a woman becomes pregnant, we all know that the 'wait' for birth is roughly 9 months. Sure, there can be complications or circumstances where the timing might change, and the child might be born sooner or later than this time frame, but for the vast majority of pregnancies, the parents-to-be have a general idea of when to expect the child to enter their lives. You can pretty much schedule your vacation around it.

Adoption is different.

With adoption, you are at the mercy of others from the very moment that you request the application from your chosen agency. You are forced to rely upon their response time processing your request, as well as the time that it takes to get their approval back to your mailbox. Next, you must weave your way through a mound of paperwork, resulting in more challenging waiting periods involving social workers, local, state, and government officials, as well as the Chinese government.

And when you have finally completed all of the required paperwork, the real wait begins.

There is little that can be said to you during this part of the wait that will make the waiting any easier. In contrast, what is said to you can -and usually does- add to the pain of the wait itself. "When will you get a picture?", "When will you know?", "Where is she?", etc. While most of the comments are meant in good faith, the bottom line answer to all of these questions is: you just don't know! You can narrow things down by selecting a waiting child, but you will still be unable to answer the "but when will you travel to bring your child home?" question.

So much is out of our hands as adoptive-parents-in-waiting, and yet we all strive to have some sort of feeling that we are in control. It is this struggle for control that often drives us crazy while we wait.

The last thing that you want to hear is someone saying to you, "The wait will be more than worth it!". In fact, you sometimes want to hit the next person that says that to you. However, this is one statement that can actually help you survive the waiting, but only if you allow it to.

Having been through two adoptions, I can definitely say that once we received our child's picture, the memories of the paperchase and any delays that we had faced quickly vanished. They were replaced by thoughts of joy, of amazement, and of anticipation for the journey of a lifetime!

You will have packing lists to consider, as well as arranging time off from work, lining up someone to watch your house, mow the lawn, pick up the mail, etc. There will be care packages to send, along with announcements of your big news! There will be the search for new bills so that your money will be accepted. There will be checks and double-checks to ensure that you really will be able to recharge your camcorder and not burn up your hair dryer. There will be the mad dash to the department store exchanging clothing that you had picked up for your child because the child referred to you might not fit in what you had picked up. Do you have enough film/memory for the camera? Will everything fit inside of the suitcase? And so on.

A lot of this you can prepare ahead of time -at your own pace- which not only will give you something to do to pass the time, but also will leave you with less to fuss about once you receive your referral, and allow for more time sitting and staring at your child's photo.

Is the wait long? Yes. Is it difficult, emotionally? Definitely, as you will feel as if your emotions are on some wild ride at Disneyland. Can you make it to 'the call'? YES!

Referral day is an experience that is somewhat difficult to put into words. I felt somewhat giddy for our two referral days. Both times I was at work, and both times I was totally useless, just staring at the phone, waiting for the sound of music (phone ringing). And once I was on the phone, it was somewhat surreal, as I quickly jotted down all of the information that our agency was telling us. And then the picture ... wow! As if I wasn't already useless that day, following the call I didn't do a thing! I couldn't. It is hard to function when you are floating above the clouds!

Adoption is clearly a life-changing event, for both your child-to-be and YOU! And believe what you hear - the wait is far more than worth it!

So how can you find the patience to endure the seemingly endless wait? Keep a sense of humor. No, I am not talking about being a stand up comic or anything like that, but instead begin to look at life through your child-to-be's eyes. Think of what they will be seeing when they are with you. Think of the many new experiences that they will share with you. For example, while waiting for our first referral, I remember walking to the park each day while on my lunch break. I would sit on a park bench and just daydream into the future. When one day a butterfly was fluttering in front of me. I watched it go this way and that way, then back around again. Until finally it landed on a blade of grass in front of me. I laughed to myself as I wondered if that was exactly the blade that it had meant to land on, or if it was just faking it. It sat there for a minute, and then took off and fluttered back and forth across the grass to look for another landing spot.

Okay, call me crazy, but I was able to enjoy that little moment, and it helped to ease my mind so that I didn't constantly dwell on the wait. With each passing day I knew that we were one day closer!

If you sit and stare at a clock, an hour can seem a lifetime. However, if you instead occupy yourself with pleasant sights, sounds, smiles and laughter, you will be amazed at how quickly time will pass.

If you allow it to.

So be patient, look for a butterfly, and enjoy all that is around you. For the day is coming -soon- when your child will be there sharing it with you!

I promise!

Oh, and for what it's worth - you are closer to your child now than you were when you began reading this page ...

By Anonymous

Waiting from a Childs Eyes

I know how difficult it is for you while you wait for me,because I have been waiting, too.
I have waited to be held, to be fed, to be loved. I have found comfort in those who have been caring for me,and in those I have come to call my friend.

Do not feel saddened, for this is the only life that I have known. I have adapted. I know of no other way to spend my day. I am content, because I know not of what I might be missing.

As you await the sound of my laughter, I carry on, learning every day. From friends, and caretakers. Because I am not alone, I wait my turn, learning patience and enjoying every moment that comes my way.

Some friends are no longer here, so I make new friends. We keep each other company.

The day will come when your waiting will finally be over, as will mine. When that day arrives, my friends will need to make a new friend, as I will no longer be there. I will discover a life that I never knew existed. I might seem frightened at first, but once again I will quickly adapt and realize that my waiting to be held, to be fed, to be loved is over. I will be cared for like never before. I will learn so many new things.

I will have a forever family!

Until that day, I will be content to live the only life that I have known, and to spend time with my friends. Waiting ...

I will be here for you when your waiting has finally ended. You will hear my laughter and I will feel your loving touch. And we will both be content with the new life that we will share, together ...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

"Somehow destiny comes into play. These children end up with you and you end up with them. It's something quite magical."

Nicole Kidman
Adoptive parent

The Question by Gabe Myers,Teen Adoptee

I’ve grown so much but you weren’t here
To hold me console me or fight my fear
I wanted to know what was wrong with me
Where should I have grown up, where should I be
There has never been a day gone by
I don’t ask myself the question why
The constant filling of my heart with doubt
It was a secret to never be let out
Who exactly was my mother?
Then it dawned on me it could be no other,
Than the one who had loved all my life
The one who will be there through all my strife
The one who held me when I was scared
The one who I could always count on and always cared
It didn’t matter that I never came from your tummy
The point is you’re the one I will always call Mommy

Thursday, August 09, 2007

It isn't how you birth your baby,

it's how you love your child.

I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do. ~Edw

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one. ~Mother Teresa

These are my 3 beautiful sponsored children from China. I started sponsoring them monthly a year ago when we choose to pursue an adoption in Vietnam instead of China

I had always felt drawn to the children of China. At one point I had thought that's where our daughter was. I was very confused when the door to China closed for us just as the door to Vietnam reopened. I knew I was meant to do something for these children of China but if it was not to adopt then what was it? Even after starting to pursue the adoption in Vietnam, I could still not shake the feeling that something was calling me in China. I started to research and found out about an American run foundation http://www.chinaorphans.org/ where special needs children live while awaiting treatment and recovering. Because of their serious special needs these children are not considered adoptable.Without this foundation these children would probably be left to die in the government run orphanages. This foundation is so nice because they have numerous children villages. They are run like free standing homes, designed to model a normal family environment instead of an institution. To me these are the children who really need our help.The children who only have a very slight chance of adoption because of their serious special needs.

For Christmas in 2006 I sponsored 12 of these children for the month of December in my friends and families names. Everybody was given a picture and bio of their child and literature with the hope if at all possible they could continue their sponsorship of that child. It is about the cost of a cup of coffee a day to make such a difference in a child's life. Why wouldn't you? (It is also a tax write off in cause you were wondering)

This sponsorship has given me the greatest joy. I receive updates and pictures of my children. It is so great to watch them have a much needed surgery and grow stronger everyday. I wait with bated breath for the monthly newsletter to come to make sure my children are okay. I love to see what they have been doing that month. What kind of field trips have they gone on, who visited them, how the construction is progressing on the new villages. I have grown to love all the children. It is also heartbreaking when I learn of a loss of a child. There is usually about one child a month. My husband asks me why I continue to read those newsletters every month when I know another child will be gone. I say I have to. No matter how much it hurts, I have to remind myself these children are there and suffering. I could bury my head in the sand but they will still be in China suffering. I want to make a difference in this world and I can not do that by denial.

Well it turns out after a year, I have received great news. One of my children has been adopted. Bethany ( In pink with braids) went home July 13 to her forever family in Iowa. She will be the youngest of 6 siblings. I am filled with joy for her and her family. I am honored to have been a part of this little girls life.

This adoption of my sponsored child leaves me with a new opportunity. I have decided to sponsor an older child in Lang son Vietnam at my children's orphanage. This will give me a chance to bring that child presents when I travel to Vietnam. I am so excited about this opportunity.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

This is what the babies should be doing this month. Who knows if they are doing any of this ,but I thought it was interesting. I still think of them as newborns . It is really strange to imagine not seeing all the firsts. First smile,first laugh,first time they roll over, first time they coo.I was always there for all my childrens firsts. I have to stop or it will destroy me imagining that my children are growing up without me. They will never remember, but I will always realize I missed so much. We have so much time to make up for when we finally are together. Please pray for a travel date soon.

5th Month

Dexterity is an important skill that Baby is working on this month. By now, she can probably accurately reach out with one hand and trap an object in a mitten-like grab. She can hold a toy in her hand, inspect it carefully, and then transfer it to the other hand and start sucking on it. With this improved coordination comes the ability to grasp different-sized objects.

At five months, babies usually range from 23.5 inches long, 12.25 pounds (10th percentile) to 26.5 inches long and 17 pounds (90th percentile).

This month, your baby may:
Reach accurately for an object as eye-hand coordination improves.
Hold her head steady when sitting upright as neck muscles strengthen.
Sit supported for up to 30 minutes, and sit alone for a few moments as back muscles strengthen.
Roll from stomach to back.
Raise her chest with arm support while lying on her stomach as arm muscles get stronger.
Mimic sounds and gestures.
Repeat strings of syllables in a rhythmic way.
Babble to get attention.
Show positive reaction to different sounds.
Make different sounds for different needs.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

"All things come round to him who will but wait."- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It has been 60 days since are referral. 60 days since I saw those precious faces for the first time at 1:30 in the morning. 60 HARD days of waiting to hear word, any word, of when we will travel to finally be united with our children. It seems like such a long time. I can barely remember a time before I knew who they were and what they looked like. I don' t even have to look at their pictures anymore. I have every square inch of the memorized. When I close my eyes at night the first thing I see is their little faces.

There is some kind of delay in Lang son for the people waiting to travel before us. I have only heard rumors why things have been delayed so I will not repeat them. I think about 8-10 families have to travel before it is our turn. I heard the last family traveled mid July. No travel for a month is not good for us, our babies or these other families. We had definitely thought mid to late August would be the latest we would travel. Definitely not so. Some of you might not know but we only get about about 5-7 days notice to travel. Think about having to arrange a trip like this with 5 days notice. It is insane. Welcome to the world of international adoption. The trip is 37 hours travel each way. I am not looking forward to 37 hours on airplanes with 2 little infants. I don't even want to think about that part of the trip. It looks like with the province of Lang son, where our children are from, the stay is usually a month. That is a really long time to be in Vietnam and away from our other children. We had hoped for a stay of 2 weeks but yet again welcome to the world of international adoption. What we want is totally irrelevant.

I have already made them an appointment at AI DuPont to see an International adoption specialist. Luckily I scheduled this for mid October thinking we would be home in September and have a little bit of time to adjust before the specialist. Looks like we will be lucky to have them here in time. This Doctor will run all kinds of tests and thoroughly check them over to make sure my regular pediatrician does not miss anything.
We witness a miracle everytime

a child enters into life.

But those who make their journey

home across time and miles,

growing within the hearts of those

who wait to love them,

are carried on the wings of destiny

and placed among us by

God's very own hands.

~Kristi Larson

Monday, August 06, 2007

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Why Two ??????

“Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him.”- Henery Miller

I am going to try and answer a question that we have been asked quite a few times through out this adoption. We have been asked by many different people "Why TWO?". Our answer is "Why not Two?".

We started this adoption out with the hope of adopting 1 healthy child. During the home study our social worker planted the seed of 2 children in our mind. She said she always urges a family if they adopt one child of a certain race to consider adopting another child of the same race (Example Asian and Asian or African American and African American). She said the child seems to adjust and do better when they see a mirror image of themselves. It gives them someone in the family to relate to and then they don't feel as if they are different . She really got us thinking. We decided this would be best to foster our child's identity and sense of self. We knew we might not want to go through another adoption anytime soon, so we decided to pursue 2 at one time now.

I also had a big problem with leaving all those children behind in the orphanage to possibly live a life out in an institution. We have the resources and love to care for 2 more so "WHY NOT"? What kind of person would I be if I had the means and resources to care for 2 children but only said "yes" to one. I personally could not do that. We decided if we got approved for 2 and 2 children needed us then we would be here for them.

Basically we decided to leave it up to chance. Kind of like every time you get pregnant it could be 1 or 2 or 3 or 4. Nobody knows?? Nobody questions you when you get pregnant with twins. Nobody asks you "Why Two?" then. We decided to approach this the same way, Leave it up to fate. Just in case we got preapproval for 2 children. We told our agency we were open to 1 or 2 children. If 2 children needed us that was great, if it was only 1 child that needed us that was also great. We asked for a boy and girl if 2 children and no preference if it was 1 child . We originally asked for a baby and a toddler; we soon found out that there was a high demand for toddlers. You would think these children would be waiting around, but that is not the case in Vietnam. We found out it would be at least an 8 month wait for a toddler. We decide this was not the child that needed us, with so many families already waiting. My case worker asked me to consider Twins; Bio or Virtual. I really had not expected 2 babies of the same age. We had to readjust our thinking and agreed if twin babies are the ones that need us then we will welcome them with open arms. We knew Biological twins are pretty rare in Asian cultures and Virtual twins would have to be 2 children born in the same province within a few days of each other and both relinquished or abandoned within a few days of birth. The referral of either sets of Twins seemed very slim. We decided we would take the first referral ( 1 or 2 children). In other words we would not sit and wait on a waiting list for a twin referral; if it was meant to be they would be born and waiting for us.

What are the chances of 2 babies (Thom-Girl and Tai-Boy) both being born in Lang son on March 29th and both being relinquished shortly after birth. What are the chances of these 2 babies being paper ready at the same time that our paperwork went across JJH desk? Is it fate or is it destiny? Thom and Tai needed us and we needed them. That is "Why Two?".

P.S. With our last pregnancy we had also been pregnant with twins but lost one early on. I had always wondered "What if?". I think we were always destined to raise twins just not when we expected.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

I miss you

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." ~Edna St Vincent Millay

My eldest Daughter has been visiting my Sister in North Carolina for 3 weeks. I have missed her terribly. This could be contributing to why I am so sad. 3 of my children are away from me. I miss them all so much. She asked me today if the babies would be home by Halloween. For the first time it hit me that I really do not know. I do not know when to expect to hold and cuddle my own children. I do not know when I will see their little faces and smell their baby smells. How sad. How sad for me and how sad for them. They have to grow a day,week,month older without the love of a family. It is such a sin when we want nothing more then to care for them. When we are willing to at the drop of a dime fly half way around the world. We can never get these precious moments back that we are missing. They will never be 128 days old again. It will be forever gone. I am so tempted to jump on an airplane and park my rear in Lang son. If it were not for my other children you might not be able to stop me. I know it would not be productive and it is not how things work. I respect that and that is why I am doing my time with the rest of them.

On a lighter note I can not bring myself to buy a crib. I do not think personally I could stand the sight of an empty crib everyday. It would be too much of a reminder smacking me in the face. I have finally started shopping. We have a ton of girls clothes from my daughter and Niece. I have not had a boy in 16 years. WOW!! I decided I better get going or she was going to be a beautifully dressed princess with a naked brother. My MIL says I am only allowed to buy boys clothes. At least the boys stuff is a lot cuter then it was 16 years ago. It is almost as fun as shopping for a girl. I have to keep putting stuff back because I am spending too much. Everything was dorky 16 years ago (Sorry son).

See my next 2 posts for all the cute stuff.

Friday, August 03, 2007

"Not what we have But what we enjoy, constitutes our abundance"

After a week of princess dance camp my youngest had her dance recital today. I am so proud and she is so cute.

I am definately blessed. I feel so thankful. I already have so much and I am about to receive more. How does a girl get so lucky? I feel like I could burst, For the love I have for all 5 of my children overwhelms me at times. They are truly a gift from God.

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