Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't.
--- Richard Bach
I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody [to no one]
We were not separated at your birth.
It was the moment at which we began our journey toward each other.
-Nancy McGuire Roche
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."
"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking.
"Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations."
But that is not what I meant at all.
I look at my Daughter, trying to decide what to tell her.
I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.
I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?"
That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.
That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moments hesitation.
I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.
She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell.
She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine.
That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma.
That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.
However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.
Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself.
That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child.
That she would give herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.
I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.
My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.
I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.
I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.
I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.
I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time.
I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of your girlfriends who may someday be Moms.
So when we got the new pictures I was a little concerned that in the pictures her eyes appeared to be crossed. I never saw a hint of it in earlier pictures but now EVERY picture seemed to be that way. I was not concerned if she actually had an eye problem. It was more the fact of her being in Vietnam for who knows how much longer and not being able to treat it early. I read you should start patching at 4 months or it could cause permanent damage. This really scared me. I felt so out of control. It really scared me not being able to help my daughter if she had a medical problem that needed to be treated. My job on this planet is to take care of my kids . This is what a Mom is for. It was really hard having no control over this situation or how it played out.
I sent her updated photos to an International Adoption Specialist Doctor who reviewed their medicals back in June and is available to consult with about anything that concerns me. This is a great service (Large donation required and appreciated- Of course this is the world of International adoption) and it definitely eased my mind. Here was the response of this great DR.
"As with your little boy, she is absolutely gorgeous. I can understand your concerned about a crossed eye (strabismus) which is a common pediatric eye problem. HOWEVER, I do not think she has a true problem. Children from Asia often have extra folds of skin over the middle portions of their eye. These are called epicanthal folds and they often obscure the medial portions of the globe and make it appear that the eyes are crossed. The way to look at eyes is to look at the light reflex coming off the cornea (gleam of light in the middle of the eye). If the light reflex is centered at the same point in the pupil in both eyes, then there is usually conjugate gaze (non-crossed eyes). In her case, the light reflex is centered in both pupils so I believe she has a condition called pseudostrabismus (false strabismus) which has no pathological significance. That's my best guess at this point but all adopted children need to see a good pediatric ophthalmologist after arrival. If it is a problem a variety of treatments are available and the outcome is usually quite good at this age. "
I can see what he means. If you look at the white dot of light on her pupil it is in the same place even though her one eye looks crossed. I thought this might be useful info for some of you that might be adopting your own little Asian prince and princesses.
I hope the rest of this wait goes FAST. I do not want to feel that out of control again. The Mother bear instinct in me kicked in. I was almost on an airplane to Vietnam to kidnap my own child.
Friday, July 27, 2007
“You know somebody, and they cry for you. They stay awake at night and dream of you. I bet you never even know they do, but somebody's crying for you.
You might not know it my babies, but somebody (Mommy) is crying for you.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Not sure about the story on this bracelet. A lot of other babies in Lang son have them. We suspect her caregiver gave it to her. I hope she has it on when we pick her up. Great for her memory box.
Soul searching eyes.
Look at those big feet.
They shaved my daughters full head of black hair. I was so stunned and upset when I first saw the pictures. I was so excited to finally have a baby with so much hair. From her first referral photo at 14 days she had a full head of black hair. My bio kids all had blonde peach fuzz. When you would ask our 4 year old which was baby brother and baby sister she would say the one with lots of hair is sister. Luckily she knows them apart now.
Today is a day full of disappointment. The travel group ahead of us was delayed. I am so sorry guys. You do not desereve to have to endure this. Just keep your chins up, it will come. Hopefully a larger group will be scheduled to travel next time.
I am also disappointed because this delays my chance of travel. I could taste it getting closer. I was so excited for them and optimistic for myself. I will not lose hope. I will be dissappointed but I WILL NOT LOSE HOPE. I truly hope and believe travel is going to speed up. I think we are in a slow down but out of no where it is going to start moving FAST. Faster then we all could of ever hoped for.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Waiting,Waiting!!! When will it be over??
Half A World Away
By Jill Work
A half a world away
Sometimes it seems we're so far apart
But a half a world away
Is not too far for a journey of ther heart
My little one, my bundle of joy
I'm waiting for you
My precious son, my baby boy
I know you're waiting too
A half a world away
A child waits for a family of his own
While a half a world away
A family waits to come bring him home
My little one, my bundle of joy
I'm whispering a prayer
My precious son, my baby boy
I hope to soon be there
I hope that we
will no longer be
a half a world away.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I moved all 3 little ones in the big walk-in closet and moved hubby back in with me. I have not been out of the closet for a whole week. I was not too excited about sharing closet with hubby again, but I decided I would rather have babies then closet. I will go naked for babies.
Bought my first pack of diapers yesturday. I am trying not to get too excited and go crazy. It just makes the waiting harder. I could not stand to look at the crib everyday yet. I think my heart would ache too much. I am going to wait a few more weeks . We are setting up a nursery in our sitting room. I like for the kids to be close. Real close.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
I am pregnant, but my tummy isn't growing,
And no one ever calls me "little Mom"
The public simply isn't overflowing with questions that I'd handle with aplomb.
There are no special clothes to mark my waiting
Nobody stops and smiles as I walk by,
The absence of a due-date is frustrating
And looking at the nursery makes me cry
When I am over due no one will worry
The phone won't ring and ring as friends check in.
I can't hurry my labor in a hurry
My new life as a parent to begin
Adoption is a worrisome endever and waiting alone is not much fun
To be "with child" for a year seems like forever
Dear God, we'er ready!Please send our little one.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
June 7th I got a call on my cell phone from JJH. The family was at Walmart shopping. I had promised to take my picky 12 year old out clothes shopping at Kohls after Walmart. JJH said she had the remaining paper work for the babies and could offer us the refferrals if I could fax her a gazillion papers. Of course she could not send photos or the actual referrals until she had those papers. We did not expect to hear from her so soon. It was a shopping trip at Walmart I will always remember.Kind of like that movie "Where the heart Is", I feel like I gave birth right in the middle of Walmart that day.
My Husband and I parted ways and promised to meet back at the house in an hour to start faxing. We needed to see those babies tonight. We could not wait one more minute. It was like enduring a long birth and nobody letting you see them afterwards.
I was on cloud nine as I rushed my Daughter through the fastest shopping trip ever. I could not believe this was happening. Just a few months ago we almost signed with an agency that was quoting 8-12 months. So glad I found JJH and fell in love with her shining personality. We clicked immediately.
At home we faxed all the papers, but could not reach JJH. I can always reach her. Why not on this night?? I must have called her 50 times that night. We tried until 11:30 EST and then the rest of the family gave up and went to bed. I could not stand to wait. Finally at midnight Jenn told me she did not get faxes and I resent it. Still nothing. I refreshed my email a zillion times. I woke up at 1:30 in the morning with my laptop on my belly.I had dozed off like this. I refreshed one more time and there they were. Everybody was sleeping and I did not know what to do. I wanted us to all experience this moment together. The moment when we first saw their darling faces. The moment I had dreamed about so often.I could not wake them and I could not stand to wait. I decided I would only glance at the medicals and make sure things looked okay. Every thing looked wonderful and I was so surprised by their birth weights and height. I was told to expect little babies, but these babies were bigger then any of my bio kids. I could no longer stand it and I had to see them . I will never forget that moment lying in bed at 1:30 in the morning and seeing their faces for the first time. The emotions absolutely overwhelmed me. I felt such pride and love and happiness all at once. I could not have personally picked 2 children more suited for us. One look and I knew I had found my children. All the way around the world. Our destiny!! I knew we had finally found our way to each other. It was a miracle. A true miracle .
All of you who are waiting just have faith that your children or child meant for you will find their way home to you. Do not question the process, Just have faith!!