"Take an action each day that alleviates suffering in the world. Bring light into darkness."
-Angeles Arrien

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't.
--- Richard Bach

I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody [to no one]
--Mother Teresa

We were not separated at your birth.
It was the moment at which we began our journey toward each other
-Nancy McGuire Roche

Saturday, September 29, 2007


I got some more news the middle of the week. They just started the final police investigation into my children. That should take about a week and then there are a few last steps. I have been told two and a half weeks. Possibly a call to get my Visa before then. To quote the email "We are getting very close now." I am having a hard time getting excited because this whole process has been one disappointment after another. I don't want to get my hopes up again to only be shattered.

I did ask for and get some official documents showing that my children are still legally referred to me. After I was told some info I was getting very doubtful one of my children was still at the orphanage and still referred to us. I could no longer keep going on faith that everybody was doing what they told me. I spent 12 weeks trusting the system to work and it got me nowhere. I needed to start seeing some proof. These documents did set my mind at ease but they also upset me. They were the agreement to release child for adoption. They were dated Sep 10th. That was 3 days after I was told about this huge mess up. Almost 14 weeks after my referral they decided to agree to release my children for adoption. Remember I was supposed to travel in 8-10 weeks. This just proved to me how far behind my paperwork was. Someone really had not done what they were supposed to. Now a mother and her 2 children have to suffer because of it.

Emotionally this whole process has been hard to say the least. Those of you not adopting probably will not understand. The only thing I could probably relate it to is your pregnancy going 3 months overdue. Except worse because you have to see your child grow up in pictures without you. The minute I saw these children they were mine. I would have never thought I could have such strong feelings but I did. They are no different to me then my 3 bio children. It feels like someone has taken my children against my will and refuses to tell me when, if ever, I will be united with them. I don't know if they are being loved or held. Is someone responding when they cry? Are they getting encouragement with very milestone. Do they feel wanted and loved? Safe and secure? These are all the things that run through my mind a hundred times a night and keep me awake until 3:00 in the morning. I am so worried about them. Nothing eases that worry. Telling me 3 more weeks is like saying wait a lifetime.

When I finally have them in my arms I am never going to let them go. They are my babies and they are so wanted. I hope they will always feel that and understand that. Below is how I imagine I will be someday.

" I know a woman well in her 70’s, with five sons. Three adopted, two by birth. She shared with me that when they would sit around the dinner table there were times she would forget who was homegrown and who was adopted, and she had to search back in her memory to see if she remembered giving birth to them or not. I love that story because it exemplifies for me the way families weave themselves together into tidy little quilts, and sometimes you have to take a pretty close look at the stitching to see how they came together. "

Monday, September 24, 2007

We have News

Well I finally have news. Not good news,but news. I really don't know if I should go into detail because I have been asked "NOT TO DISCOURAGE" the masses. We have been told to HOPE to hear positive news about travel in about 3 weeks or so. Yes,I did say another 3 weeks until I even have a possibility of getting a travel call. So about POSSIBLY 5 weeks until I even have a chance of seeing my children. Notice that is only a possible time line. That will be 21 weeks post referral for me. I have to say I am VERY disappointed. To quote the email " Although this can happen to anyone, it is unusual, and it is unfortunate that it happened to you." Yup, SUCKS to be me.

P.S. Please keep the prayers coming. Miracles can always happen.

Friday, September 21, 2007

No News!!

I am very disappointed. My coordinator said she would have an update for me by the end of this week. I have been patiently waiting for this day. Hoping they would have something positive for me. Well you guessed it,Nothing. Not one word from my coordinator. I sent a reminder email and still no response.I know she is in a different time zone but I actually expected to hear word early because they are 12 hours ahead of us. That would mean the end of the week came sooner. See these desperate measures I am resorting to.THIS STINKS!!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

44 Million Orphans in the World.We can make a difference for two. How about you?


Once upon a time there was a wise man
who used to go to the ocean
to do his writing.
He had a habit of walking
on the beach
before he began his work.

One day he was walking along
the shore.
As he looked down the beach,
he saw a human
figure moving like a dancer.
He smiled to himself to think
of someone who would
dance to the day.

So he began to walk faster
to catch up.
As he got closer, he saw
that it was a young man
and the young man wasn't dancing,
but instead he was reaching
down to the shore,
picking up something
and very gently throwing it
into the ocean.

As he got closer he called out,
"Good morning! What are you doing?"

The young man paused,
looked up and replied,
"Throwing starfish in the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked,
why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out.
And if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But, young man, don't you realize that
there are miles and miles of beach
and starfish all along it.
You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely.
Then bent down, picked up another starfish
and threw it into the sea,
past the breaking waves and said-
"It made a difference for that one."

Monday, September 17, 2007

Coincidence or fate?

“Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it.” ~ Goethe

I have a kind of unbelievable story that occurred during the adoption wait. Something that proved to me that this was what we were being called to do. I was thinking about it today and thought I would write about it.

Before we ever started any paperwork for the adoption I earmarked $50,000 for it and stashed it away in an online savings account. I pretended like this money no longer existed so we would not be tempted. Everything was going along good until about 5 months into the adoption my wonderful Husband got this idea to leave the company he was working for and start his own company. It was a hassle enough to update our Home study but on top of it my Husband did not prepare financially in advance for branching out on his own and left about $20,000 in expenses uncollected with the prior company. Needless to say in the next 5 months my Husband basically worked for a few start up clients but none had the resources to pay him yet. Every month we expected to get paid and every month we were told we would have to hold on a little bit longer. I expected the $20,000 in expenses to also get reimbursed but that never happened. I ended up having to spend about $35,000 of our adoption fund to pay for our living expenses. I started to get really nervous knowing as soon as our referral came we would owe our agency this money. My Husband kept saying his clients would pay very soon. It got down to the wire and still no money. One night, right after we completed our Dossier and had been told by our coordinator our referral was coming, we had a humongous blow up over this $35,000 we still needed but did not have. I went to bed in tears that night and didn't know what we would do about the money. I knew I some how HAD to come up with it because my children out there somewhere were waiting for us and counting on us. I had such a bad migraine the next day I could barely lift my head. Around 4:30 pm, I decided to check my email; right after the stock market closed (Most of you who know me know I started to trade stocks about 2 years ago). I had an alert on one of my stocks to notify me if it went up over a certain amount. That alert triggered but I could not believe it. I pulled up my brokerage account and found out a little pharmaceutical company, that I had bought on a whim and kept buying because it kept falling, had shot up 305% that day on what didn't even seem to me like very big news. I could not believe it. I had been deeply in the hole on this stock. I knew it would recover but I thought I would have to ride it out another 2 years while they repeated their clinical trials. I was up $90,000 in ONE day. Now here is the weird thing, I had recovered a $55,000 paper loss that day PLUS a $35,000 gain. Exactly $35,000 dropped into my lap the day after we had a humongous blowup over where we would get $35,000 to complete the adoption. Coincidence or fate? You tell me? (Buy the way the stock now 5 months later is back down 300%).

Friday, September 14, 2007


I think I have finally composed myself enough to post. I have spent the last 2 days in tears; totally devastated. 6 emails to my coordinator and still no answers. No farther then I was 2 days ago. She has no answers for me. I have been basically told that WC is not privy to any information. Basically they have been told my paperwork is screwed up but nothing else. I was told they will not have an update for me until the end of next week. WHAT??? I have been sitting by this phone everyday for a week expecting to get a travel call. Expecting for this problem to be fixed. Now I find out I have no hope of hearing anything much less a travel call. That will be 15 weeks since referral and still NO travel call. I can not believe this is happening. Babies please cry and wake me up from this terrible nightmare.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

"They say God's timing is perfect, never early, never late."

We found out yesterday their is an issue with our paperwork. It is on Vietnam's end not our agency. A lot of finger pointing is going on in Vietnam and WC is trying to handle the situation delicately because they have to allow them to save face. Nothing is wrong, It is just a filing error that effects dates ( Yuck didn't want to hear that!!). JJH is trying to get a current update on timing so she can get us over there(Yeah!!). She is working on it and I feel a little better knowing the problem has been identified. JJH was very apologetic and sweet (As usual). That's all for now that we know.

It was really weird. Right now I am being taught a humongous lesson in patience. I am really working on it. I know life hands us lessons and we can choose how to take them. So I am going shopping today and what do I pass. A huge sign that says "Be patient, God's timing is perfect. Never early, Never late." Wow!! So I go on about my day pondering this. Then what do you think happens? I never listen to the radio but this day I have no kids and my Husband left his Sirius receiver (Love that Sirius) in my car. So I tune it to the coffee shop channel and what is playing but some song about us trusting that God's timing is perfect. Huh!! WOW!!

Waiting is one of the hardest things for some of us to do (ME!!). I need to trust that for some reason we are meant to wait just a little bit longer. I might never find out the reason why but I have to have faith that the timing will be right. No matter how much I want this it is not meant to be right at this moment. Never early, Never late, Just right!!! WOW, This really is a tough lesson.

P.S. Did you see my last post with my beautiful children's updated pictures? Do you see now why this lesson is so hard?? Who could wait to kiss those cheeks????

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Our Daughter - September 7th- 23 wks old

Still no smile but she likes to stick her tongue out. Look at those cheeks.
Look Mom ,I told you it would grow back. Just not as thick or as dark.
Here I am with my tongue out again and my serious "I am going to cure cancer" look.
Her hand appears so small next to her caregivers.

Our Son- September 7th- 23 wks old

How could a foot be this beautiful?
See that perfect little mouth?

Cheeks to match his sisters. Do I glimpse a smile starting?

Look at those eyes. Mesmerizing!!!

Friday, September 07, 2007

You can get out the tissues, or you can see that you hold your child in your heart and she is indeed finding/has found you.

Waiting For The Call

I have (on the occasion few)

Spent languid moments focusing

On one infernal bane of lift

The phone that simply will not ring!

As icy glare I cast its way

And on its silence pondering

I put my present life "on hold"

Just waiting for the phone to ring.

Oh hideous friend! \Your silence screams

And in its lack of thundering

My ears strain ever harder for

The music of your precious ring.

In China far my babe awaits

I'll fly to her on silvered wing

The minute that I get the call

Oh God! Why won't the damned thing ring?

And now again I go to bed

Yet even in my sleep I cling

To hope that I'll be waked tonight

When at long last, the phone will ring.

-Debbie Bodie

"Be assured that if God waits longer than you wish, it is only to make the blessing all the more precious."

You are precious enough. Please, Please, no more WAITING!!!

"All children behave as well as they are treated" - anon

Sunday, September 02, 2007

“If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.”

There have been two G&R ceremonies in the past month and nobody thought to take pictures for us waiting parents. It has been over a month since I have seen my children. Our last set of pictures were at the end of July. I do not know how much they have grown or how they have changed. Did my daughters beautiful dark hair grow back? Did my sons cheeks fill out more? Has my Daughter decided it's time to show Mommy her beautiful smile? Don't they know that we live for these things? That this is pure torture to a Mother.

I did not expect in the month of September to be thinking about these things. I expected to be home from Vietnam and loving my new children. I expected to be heading into fall,my favorite time of year, with my new children at my side. To have no worries and the bright future ahead of us. No more lost time to make up for. No more missing precious moments of their lives. I expected to wake up and be able to look into their smiles faces for the rest of my days. I did not expect to be still WAITING!!!
For finding you mother,
There's one certain test.
You must look for the creature
Who loves you the best.
--- David Kirk (Little Miss Spider)

How Could You Know?

As you lay sleeping far away as still as you could be...
How could you know the joy today this photo brings to me?

A few short weeks and you'll be mine, and "I" will soon be "We".
How could you know the love I feel? It's something you can't see.

So have sweet dreams, my precious babe. Sleep well and tenderly.
Some say that you're the lucky one. How could you know it's me?
--- Kris Laughlin