Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't.
--- Richard Bach
I have come to realize more and more that the greatest disease and the greatest suffering is to be unwanted, unloved, uncared for, to be shunned by everybody, to be just nobody [to no one]
We were not separated at your birth.
It was the moment at which we began our journey toward each other.
-Nancy McGuire Roche
Saturday, September 29, 2007
I did ask for and get some official documents showing that my children are still legally referred to me. After I was told some info I was getting very doubtful one of my children was still at the orphanage and still referred to us. I could no longer keep going on faith that everybody was doing what they told me. I spent 12 weeks trusting the system to work and it got me nowhere. I needed to start seeing some proof. These documents did set my mind at ease but they also upset me. They were the agreement to release child for adoption. They were dated Sep 10th. That was 3 days after I was told about this huge mess up. Almost 14 weeks after my referral they decided to agree to release my children for adoption. Remember I was supposed to travel in 8-10 weeks. This just proved to me how far behind my paperwork was. Someone really had not done what they were supposed to. Now a mother and her 2 children have to suffer because of it.
Emotionally this whole process has been hard to say the least. Those of you not adopting probably will not understand. The only thing I could probably relate it to is your pregnancy going 3 months overdue. Except worse because you have to see your child grow up in pictures without you. The minute I saw these children they were mine. I would have never thought I could have such strong feelings but I did. They are no different to me then my 3 bio children. It feels like someone has taken my children against my will and refuses to tell me when, if ever, I will be united with them. I don't know if they are being loved or held. Is someone responding when they cry? Are they getting encouragement with very milestone. Do they feel wanted and loved? Safe and secure? These are all the things that run through my mind a hundred times a night and keep me awake until 3:00 in the morning. I am so worried about them. Nothing eases that worry. Telling me 3 more weeks is like saying wait a lifetime.
When I finally have them in my arms I am never going to let them go. They are my babies and they are so wanted. I hope they will always feel that and understand that. Below is how I imagine I will be someday.
" I know a woman well in her 70’s, with five sons. Three adopted, two by birth. She shared with me that when they would sit around the dinner table there were times she would forget who was homegrown and who was adopted, and she had to search back in her memory to see if she remembered giving birth to them or not. I love that story because it exemplifies for me the way families weave themselves together into tidy little quilts, and sometimes you have to take a pretty close look at the stitching to see how they came together. "
Monday, September 24, 2007
P.S. Please keep the prayers coming. Miracles can always happen.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Once upon a time there was a wise man
who used to go to the ocean
to do his writing.
He had a habit of walking
on the beach
before he began his work.
One day he was walking along
As he looked down the beach,
he saw a human
figure moving like a dancer.
He smiled to himself to think
of someone who would
dance to the day.
So he began to walk faster
to catch up.
As he got closer, he saw
that it was a young man
and the young man wasn't dancing,
but instead he was reaching
down to the shore,
picking up something
and very gently throwing it
into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out,
"Good morning! What are you doing?"
The young man paused,
looked up and replied,
"Throwing starfish in the ocean."
"I guess I should have asked,
why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"
"The sun is up and the tide is going out.
And if I don't throw them in they'll die."
"But, young man, don't you realize that
there are miles and miles of beach
and starfish all along it.
You can't possibly make a difference!"
The young man listened politely.
Then bent down, picked up another starfish
and threw it into the sea,
past the breaking waves and said-
"It made a difference for that one."
Monday, September 17, 2007
“Sometimes our fate resembles a fruit tree in winter. Who would think that those branches would turn green again and blossom, but we hope it, we know it.” ~ Goethe
I have a kind of unbelievable story that occurred during the adoption wait. Something that proved to me that this was what we were being called to do. I was thinking about it today and thought I would write about it.
Before we ever started any paperwork for the adoption I earmarked $50,000 for it and stashed it away in an online savings account. I pretended like this money no longer existed so we would not be tempted. Everything was going along good until about 5 months into the adoption my wonderful Husband got this idea to leave the company he was working for and start his own company. It was a hassle enough to update our Home study but on top of it my Husband did not prepare financially in advance for branching out on his own and left about $20,000 in expenses uncollected with the prior company. Needless to say in the next 5 months my Husband basically worked for a few start up clients but none had the resources to pay him yet. Every month we expected to get paid and every month we were told we would have to hold on a little bit longer. I expected the $20,000 in expenses to also get reimbursed but that never happened. I ended up having to spend about $35,000 of our adoption fund to pay for our living expenses. I started to get really nervous knowing as soon as our referral came we would owe our agency this money. My Husband kept saying his clients would pay very soon. It got down to the wire and still no money. One night, right after we completed our Dossier and had been told by our coordinator our referral was coming, we had a humongous blow up over this $35,000 we still needed but did not have. I went to bed in tears that night and didn't know what we would do about the money. I knew I some how HAD to come up with it because my children out there somewhere were waiting for us and counting on us. I had such a bad migraine the next day I could barely lift my head. Around 4:30 pm, I decided to check my email; right after the stock market closed (Most of you who know me know I started to trade stocks about 2 years ago). I had an alert on one of my stocks to notify me if it went up over a certain amount. That alert triggered but I could not believe it. I pulled up my brokerage account and found out a little pharmaceutical company, that I had bought on a whim and kept buying because it kept falling, had shot up 305% that day on what didn't even seem to me like very big news. I could not believe it. I had been deeply in the hole on this stock. I knew it would recover but I thought I would have to ride it out another 2 years while they repeated their clinical trials. I was up $90,000 in ONE day. Now here is the weird thing, I had recovered a $55,000 paper loss that day PLUS a $35,000 gain. Exactly $35,000 dropped into my lap the day after we had a humongous blowup over where we would get $35,000 to complete the adoption. Coincidence or fate? You tell me? (Buy the way the stock now 5 months later is back down 300%).
Friday, September 14, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Sunday, September 09, 2007
It was really weird. Right now I am being taught a humongous lesson in patience. I am really working on it. I know life hands us lessons and we can choose how to take them. So I am going shopping today and what do I pass. A huge sign that says "Be patient, God's timing is perfect. Never early, Never late." Wow!! So I go on about my day pondering this. Then what do you think happens? I never listen to the radio but this day I have no kids and my Husband left his Sirius receiver (Love that Sirius) in my car. So I tune it to the coffee shop channel and what is playing but some song about us trusting that God's timing is perfect. Huh!! WOW!!
Waiting is one of the hardest things for some of us to do (ME!!). I need to trust that for some reason we are meant to wait just a little bit longer. I might never find out the reason why but I have to have faith that the timing will be right. No matter how much I want this it is not meant to be right at this moment. Never early, Never late, Just right!!! WOW, This really is a tough lesson.
P.S. Did you see my last post with my beautiful children's updated pictures? Do you see now why this lesson is so hard?? Who could wait to kiss those cheeks????
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Look Mom ,I told you it would grow back. Just not as thick or as dark.
Here I am with my tongue out again and my serious "I am going to cure cancer" look.
Friday, September 07, 2007
I have (on the occasion few)
Spent languid moments focusing
On one infernal bane of lift
The phone that simply will not ring!
As icy glare I cast its way
And on its silence pondering
I put my present life "on hold"
Just waiting for the phone to ring.
Oh hideous friend! \Your silence screams
And in its lack of thundering
My ears strain ever harder for
The music of your precious ring.
In China far my babe awaits
I'll fly to her on silvered wing
The minute that I get the call
Oh God! Why won't the damned thing ring?
And now again I go to bed
Yet even in my sleep I cling
To hope that I'll be waked tonight
When at long last, the phone will ring.
"Be assured that if God waits longer than you wish, it is only to make the blessing all the more precious."
You are precious enough. Please, Please, no more WAITING!!!
Sunday, September 02, 2007
I did not expect in the month of September to be thinking about these things. I expected to be home from Vietnam and loving my new children. I expected to be heading into fall,my favorite time of year, with my new children at my side. To have no worries and the bright future ahead of us. No more lost time to make up for. No more missing precious moments of their lives. I expected to wake up and be able to look into their smiles faces for the rest of my days. I did not expect to be still WAITING!!!
How could you know the joy today this photo brings to me?
A few short weeks and you'll be mine, and "I" will soon be "We".
How could you know the love I feel? It's something you can't see.
So have sweet dreams, my precious babe. Sleep well and tenderly.
Some say that you're the lucky one. How could you know it's me?
--- Kris Laughlin